A Clockwork Confession

My daughter is off to college in the fall. We've decided to read all the books on Rory Gilmore's reading challenge together starting today and continuing the next four years she's away at school. I have a special bond with her. I had her at 23 years old, I was I married and had broken it off with her bio dad a couple weeks before I discovered I was pregnant. It was a brief romance, spanning over six months. He was married and I was living with someone. It was innocent at first. My alcoholic boyfriend would often forget to drive me home and he offered me rides. During those rides he complained about his awful wife and I about my loser boyfriend. Those car rides led to a passionate affair. Quickly though I lost my lust and decided to leave the boyfriend and end the affair at the same time. My daughter was born and I found myself madly in love. I would cry at night because I was so scared I would screw her up. I wanted to be the best mom but honestly I will still so immature and selfish. I made lots of mistakes. She's been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. I guess the first time I really knew anything was different about her was sophomore year in high school. She seemed depressed and made strange comments. Once she told me that when she was with her friends she felt like if she wasn't there it wouldn't matter. That really scared me. She briefly saw a therapist. It seemed to help, we moved on with the feeling that this was a little blip and now all was good. Junior year it reappeared but I was in denial. She was struggling in school. I chalked it up to lack of self discipline and laziness. She got in some trouble too. Typical teenage rebellion stuff but I did not recognize this side of her and was poorly prepared to handle it. Eventually hypochondria reared it's head. She was regularly concerned about different symptoms she had or perceived. She would fear the worst and would have a hard time coming down from those fears. Usually the only respit was a doctors visit to confirm her good health and that security would only last briefly. I also been to notice severe body dismorphia and insecurity about her looks. If you saw my daughter, you would be shocked. She's gorgeous and not just in moms eyes gorgeous. She doesn't see it though. She has